GLENN: So I'm just talking about -- I want to get real on how the Russians are screwing us. My daughter takes a class with Russian -- you know, some Russian ballet teachers.

PAT: So does my granddaughter.

GLENN: And I can't take it. I can't take it.

Yesterday, give -- give -- give to mother of your performance. No. No. No.

JEFFY: No.

PAT: Not much of a gift.

GLENN: Not much of a gift.

My wife yesterday, she got up at 8 o'clock. Started running around the house, trying to get everything ready for this performance at 8 o'clock in the morning. She had to be out of the house by 10:00 --

PAT: Bearing in mind that the performance is at 7 o'clock at night.

JEFFY: Wait. What?

GLENN: Yeah. She had to be out of the house by 10:00 to drive across town to get to the place. She had to be there for my daughter from 11:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m.

JEFFY: The performance was --

GLENN: At 7:00 .

PAT: On Mother's Day.

GLENN: On Mother's Day.

PAT: That's unbelievable. Unbelievable.

GLENN: So she was just -- and they had the gall -- these Russians, "Give your mother gift of your performance." No, no.

PAT: I'm going to give you the gift of pulling my daughter out of your stupid dance club.

JEFFY: Yeah. Yes.

GLENN: Oh, my gosh. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it.

My wife last night was so -- so tired, so tired. I went and I saw her. We came and I took care of the kids and took the grandkids and everything to the performance.

And so we arrive at 6:45, and I see her, and she's just beat into the ground. And I said, "Hey, happy Mother's Day." And she said, "Yeah, duh. Thank you very much."

JEFFY: Fortunately though, you had Saturday.

GLENN: No, I worked all day Saturday. And she -- she had a birthday party for Cheyenne. It was like -- not Mother's Day. It's every day is not Mother's Day. Every day is kid's day, as my mother used to say.

They -- she had 14 girls. She was like -- Cheyenne wanted to go to the -- wanted to go that medieval times thing. Oh, my God. I can't take it anymore. So Tania was like, she wants 14 people to go. How much is it -- no. No.

PAT: It's about $700 a person.

GLENN: Yeah. It's like, no. We're not going to medieval times --

PAT: It's ridiculous.

GLENN: She's like, I'm just going to get some stuff, and I will decorate the house. And then we can go swim out in the pool.

So she's decorated the whole house. It would have been worth spending eight zillion -- it would have been worth mortgaging the house, instead of having 14 girls at the birthday party.

PAT: Yeah.

GLENN: My wife had the worst -- worst Mother's Day weekend of all time.

PAT: Oh, man.

JEFFY: And you probably shouldn't have eaten her strawberries --

GLENN: And it was the damn Russians.

PAT: The good thing though is the Russians had you pay $25 per person to -- that's great.

GLENN: Oh, no. There's more. There's more to that, if you would like to hear it. There is much more to that story, when we come back.

[break]

GLENN: You want to stay on this Russian conspiracy thing, you know, perhaps Clapper is more right than I thought. And I believe the Russian influence and destruction of the way of life starts with ballet classes for your little girls.

PAT: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

GLENN: Now, let me just say, I happen to have a special experience and special passion -- because as I said just a few minutes ago, my wife was at a ballet recital, getting my daughter ready for 12 hours yesterday. And the Russians -- mother. Throw a potato in pot and dance. Cook! Drink!

So they said, you know, oh, happen to fall on Mother's Day, sorry for that.

Yeah, uh-huh. Here in America, Ivan, it's a little important.

JEFFY: Are you?

GLENN: So she was gone all day yesterday. And then we had to watch the teacher in this deal -- we all want to go home -- it was a three-hour performance.

PAT: It's a dance recital --

GLENN: Gilligan was lost and washed up on to an island and built a hut in three hours. We're having to watch -- and they -- they have the teacher dance. I don't care to see the teacher --

PAT: Right.

GLENN: I don't care. They hired some guy to dress up in tights to do some dances. I guess -- why? Why? Why do I need to look at his junk jumping in front of me for --

PAT: Good golly.

GLENN: I don't care. I don't care about anybody on the stage, except my daughter and her friends, and everybody else I'm tolerating because, you know, it's your daughter and their friends. So I'm like, okay. That's cute. Because you were cheering for my kid. It's cute. It's great.

Stop the madness.

JEFFY: Right.

STU: Yeah, there's a misunderstanding in the audience there, right? No one is there because they like ballet. There's 0 percent --

GLENN: Right. And we all pay $25 to sit there.

STU: Right. They're there because they want to see their daughter or at least feel the need to show up so their daughter sees them. That's probably more accurate.

GLENN: Yes. Yes.

PAT: We've been doing dance recitals now for, you know, almost 30 years because my oldest daughter is almost 30.

JEFFY: One hundred years.

GLENN: Dance recitals or ballet?

PAT: I've never seen the instructor dance.

GLENN: Never.

PAT: I've never seen them invite a third party to dance. And I've never been charged 25 bucks a person before.

GLENN: It's outrageous. It's outrageous.

PAT: I mean, that's nuts.

GLENN: I'm going to make a stand tonight. And I probably won't because I'm too much of a chicken. But I'm going to make a stand tonight to say, this is --

PAT: Find some place else.

GLENN: First of all, it's crazy the amounts of time. I was watching this thing last night, and I thought, "I don't know anyone -- growing up, I don't know a single person that would have had the money to -- to -- to rent the stupid costumes, let alone have the recital -- the recital would have been them dressed in tights, if they even did a ballet class. I don't know anyone who was froufrou enough to have a ballet class. My sisters never took it. They never took, you know, private singing lessons. My folks never went to our games or -- it didn't happen.

STU: Your folks never went to your games?

GLENN: I actually played basketball until I was in 6th grade, and then it stopped.

STU: I'm sorry. What?

GLENN: Yes. Stop. I'm not even going there. I will not --

STU: Is there footage of these events?

GLENN: No.

STU: Aw.

JEFFY: Is there a chance --

GLENN: It was as sad and as tragic as you thought.

JEFFY: Maybe that's why they didn't go.

GLENN: They would stand on the court, and they would be like -- they would almost look at the other team and -- they would look at me. And I'd be like, "I'm hooping. I'm hooping." And they would stand with the ball and go, "Oh, crap." And then they would look at the other team like, "I might as well just throw it to you, and it will -- let's just get on with it." And then they would throw it to me, and then I'd drop it or something, and then the other team would have it. But that's a different story. Let's not go any deeper. There's a lot of pain there.

So we never went --

JEFFY: No way!

GLENN: Our folks would say, "Go out and play."

JEFFY: Get out.

GLENN: Go out and play. And you would go out and play. We didn't have all this orchestrated stuff that costs so much money. I can't get past the fact that our kids are better off in some ways because they -- they are taking --

JEFFY: Yes, they are.

GLENN: Taking dance and things we never even thought of. You know, going over robotics over the summers. And doing things -- okay. That's good. Except it's tearing the family apart. When the family is not together for Mother's Day, it's insane. It's insane.

PAT: Uh-huh.

GLENN: And my wife -- you know, I made a list -- I watched her. I posted something on Facebook last night -- or, yesterday morning. I took this picture, and I didn't include her face. I just took her -- a picture of Cheyenne sitting at her feet and her hands because she had gotten up. And it was 10 o'clock in the morning. And she's like, "I have got to get into the shower and -- and I took this picture of her because she was telling me all the things that she had to do.

Okay? Let me just read this to you. Because she gave me this list of all the things she had to do. And I just started listening to her, and I thought, I do not -- I'd kill myself. If I had to be a mother, I'd kill myself.

There's just no -- I don't know how -- I don't know how women do it. Facebook, this is a shot of the worst Mother's Day. But the most revealing about what a Mother's Day really is like.

It's of Tania in her pajamas this morning. She hasn't had time to take a shower yet, as my daughter's Russian ballet instructor doesn't really care about American holidays. So here she sits on our couch this morning, sewing Cheyenne's point shoes for tonight's recital. She didn't do it yesterday, as evidenced by the little Groot doll on the table. Yesterday, Cheyenne had a birthday party here at the house with 14 girls that mom had to pull off by herself because dad was at work.

The open laptop is next to Tania because she had to go over Raphe's homework that needs to be finished with you today, Glenn. It's due tomorrow, and I've been reminding him and trying to get him to do it all weekend long. She has to leave in an hour. She has to be the backstage mom all day for the recital. Her socks are on because she's always cold, yet she keeps the house that way for me because I'm always hot.

Have you had breakfast yet? Raphe, your right shirt is hanging on the ironing board. Honey, Cheyenne needs to pack a lunch. Can you turn the iron on for me? Cheyenne, hurry up. I need to do your hair. Raphe, did you brush your teeth and use a washcloth?

Did you put deodorant on? No, you didn't. You didn't do any of those. Go back upstairs.

Me, just trying to help doesn't help really at all. Pack the lunches and snacks. Pull the car up front. Tell the son to empty the garbage long after mom had asked him twice, and try to pack the sewing kit. How did I forget the scissors and the lighter? Okay, Mom. Scissors, they were obvious. But a lighter. What's a lighter for?

I didn't ask. I just got one and helped her into the car. But if I were a mom, the lighter would be so I could smoke crack and forget about the endless lists that mom is always writing, checking, and juggling in her head. This is our crappy Mother's Day. Our glimpse into what her day is like every day.

Perhaps the purpose of this day is to notice how lost we would be without her.

I made a list yesterday of the things that she has to do. And it's overwhelming. Just overwhelming.

JEFFY: It's a shame to have to add some stuff to that list.

GLENN: It really is. It's going to be -- it's a shame when I have to let her go because, I mean, she's getting high in the miles, you know what I mean?

JEFFY: Right.

STU: I'm sure she's going to appreciate that.

GLENN: Yeah.

STU: Now, she's got another thing in the list, which is filing certain papers.

GLENN: Wait. What? So I'm sitting here and I'm thinking and I'm honestly -- I mean, I'm thinking about my mom. And I loved my mom.

And, you know, I loved her. Flaws and all. When she would come in, middle of the night, "Why the hell haven't you cleaned up your room? Get out of bed. You're just like your stinking father."

Those were great times.

JEFFY: Oh, good times. Good times.

GLENN: They don't come back again, and I love those moments.

Well, they didn't happen.

(laughter)

You know, I look at what my life was like. And then I look at what our children's life is like. And I think, what the hell are we doing? Really, honestly, what are we doing to them?

We are constantly the -- the house stops for them. We have put them, in many cases, above the family and above our relationship.

JEFFY: Yeah.

GLENN: Now, our relationship, sometimes that is the one to be battered. But you batter that, it's over. It's over. You beat up the relationship between mom and dad. The whole family dissolves. But how many times have you been -- now, this I expect -- how many times have you been in a critical conversation and the kids are like, "Mom, we've got to go -- I've got to go." Okay. "Dad, we've got to go -- okay. We'll get to that later.

That happened with my parents, but not to the degree that it's happening now and not for the stuff that's happening now. Usually, it was the parents who were like, "I've got to go. You're either coming with me, or you're riding your bike. You're coming now, or I'm going. I got to get to work, so ride your bike. You're going to walk." I don't know how many times I heard that. "Go. You're walking. I got to go."

Not now. God forbid.

JEFFY: I know.

GLENN: And if you even thought about doing it, you'd go to jail. It's not that -- Pat was talking about how, you know, times have changed and how, you know, you don't want your daughter walking outside in even your neighborhood.

PAT: Uh-huh.

GLENN: I got news for you --

PAT: Well, she likes to walk around the pond, which is about half a block from our house.

GLENN: Man, and you live in the mean streets --

PAT: And I don't like her doing that alone.

JEFFY: Pat, that's not dangerous.

GLENN: You've got to be kidding me. Really?

PAT: No, you can't do it. No. Not alone.

GLENN: Yes, you can. Pat.

JEFFY: Pat.

GLENN: Pat.

PAT: One of your brothers going with you? No, you're not going.

Come on.

GLENN: Pat. Pat. Pat.

STU: Wait. How old is she again?

JEFFY: She's seventeen.

PAT: Seventeen.

GLENN: Sharia law. Sharia law.

(laughter)

JEFFY: No kidding!

PAT: That's kind of ridiculous, right? That's ridiculous.

JEFFY: Yes, it is, but you --

PAT: That's ridiculous.

GLENN: That's all coming from you believe -- it's safer for our kids, I think, than it has ever been in many regards. Where the danger is, is online. That's where the real danger is.

JEFFY: That's where we send them.

GLENN: And that's where we send them.

JEFFY: Stick them in the house.

GLENN: We stick them in the house.

"Watch this."

That's where the real danger is.

"No, no, no. Don't go outside and play. I can't be there to watch you."

JEFFY: You might get an ant bite.

GLENN: No, it's not -- we think -- all we think is Taken.

JEFFY: Yeah, I know.

PAT: Yeah. Yep.

GLENN: Oh, my gosh. She's going to go for a walk. She's going to be half a block. Some guy is going to put her into the car.

PAT: Uh-huh.

GLENN: It's safer than it was. But you don't dare let your kids go out and do the things -- we were outside for hours and hours all day long.

JEFFY: All day. All day.

GLENN: Somebody would say -- hey, who do you kids belong to? We wouldn't want to tell them, not because the folks would get into trouble, because we would get into trouble.

JEFFY: Yes!

GLENN: They would call our folks and say, "You know what your kids were doing?"

JEFFY: I know.

GLENN: I mean -- and what are we doing? We're renting ballet -- don't do it, Stu. I can see it in your eyes. You have a kid --

STU: Uh-huh. Well, this is very -- this is a frightening conversation because I have a 4-year-old daughter. And she's very cute. And she'll dance to the songs. And my wife was saying recently, "You know what we should do is get her into dance. She loves to dance."

GLENN: Yeah.

PAT: Tell her she's too old already. There's no way -- you can't start them at four.

GLENN: Yeah, no. That's half serious.

PAT: Yeah, it is.

JEFFY: Yeah. Yeah, it is.

GLENN: When it comes to real ballet -- now, remember, my daughter was taken from Russians who are like, four years old, no. My daughter was performing on stage at four, smoking a pipe, and knitting a sweetheart at the same time and also killing men for KGB.

JEFFY: Yeah.

GLENN: And you're like, what?

STU: What?

GLENN: But you -- that's the thing, ballet costs so much money, and it's such a commitment. And it's -- I mean, what do you do with it? Unless you're going to be a ballet dancer, what are you going to --

STU: Yeah.

JEFFY: That's why I stopped.

GLENN: I like the grace that it gives.

JEFFY: That's why I stopped, Pat. Because, I mean, what are you going to do with it?

PAT: Right. I can imagine the grace that was Jeffy in ballet.

JEFFY: Right. I decided after classes of years, that's enough. What are you going to do with it?

GLENN: I think we should do a ballet. I think this show should do a ballet.

STU: With Jeffy?

(laughter)

STU: With Jeffy?

GLENN: Yeah, with Jeffy.

PAT: He'll do a pirouette and fall through the stage.

STU: You keep saying "this show." What you mean is Jeffy, right? Because I know you don't mean this show, as if we'd all be involved in it. I think what you mean is Jeffy. Right?

GLENN: No, I mean this show, the whole show. I would produce and direct.

STU: Oh, and I'll write it. I'll write it. I'll write that thing.

PAT: The musical. I'll do the musical score.

GLENN: Pat, looks like -- looks like you're playing Clara, and Jeffy, of course, is the Nutcracker.