I’m Garth Bunk. I’m just a guy. A normal guy who has actually outlived the career of the original person I was designed to parody. I’m always following the truth. Sometimes from an incredible distance because I simply don’t want the truth to know that I’m following it.
Then, I’ll follow the truth home, and I’ll look in through its window, and see it, changing its bra, or clipping its toenails. Sometimes I’ll post photos of what I’ve seen on toenailfetish.net, and the truth will file a restraining order against me.
And then, just like my beloved former elder partner Gladys, the truth will find out that no restraining order can stop me. Did you hear that Gladys? Or do I have to say it again into that miracle ear I paid for. Or at least paid the first 2 installments on.
I’m Garth Bunk. And this the Garth Bunk brand. Well, look at what we have here. It’s an unsourced twitter account, and it has a new theory. It has no qualifications, no record, and it’s still got an egg as it’s avatar— but now- it’s got a national tv show. In our copy and paste segment tonight…the bumbling and ballooning Beckster has had a little bit of a change of heart, hasn’t he?
Mr. Hood wearing cross burner from racistville has all of the sudden become a lovable huggable character - well, who would have seen that coming? The king of the reblundercans wants you to know that he’s changed. Well, has he?
Despite fooling the right-wing media like the New York Times and MSNBC - you can’t fool the Bunk brand. And just like Gladys in room 4b of the withering willow hospice and abandonment center— no locked bathroom door of protection is going to stop me from barging in to see the goods. Here’s the truth the Beckster doesn’t want you to see.
“White power, white power, white power. Back in a minute.”
There you have it. The Beckster. In between his swastika painting classes, he’s doing tv shows fantasizing about the return of white power. He said it himself! He’s telling you that slavery, lynchings, and more will be quote “back in a minute.”
Maybe you still believe the Beckster has really changed? Maybe he’s not the Prince of Prejudice? No. Not pred- I - juice. Prejudice. Thank you. You might be saying that the only way you’ll believe that the Beckster is as bad as I say is… I don’t know… if he confessed to all his crimes on camera. And of course that’s never going to happen— unless… you see this!
“Killing children. Enslaving children. Enslaving adults. It is my way or death because God tells me I have a right to kill you. There is no other word….”
Okay okay okay - that’s enough of that. That’s enough. You’re probably thinking sure Beck is a conservadope and liberturdian. But at least he’s not some sexual deviant. And as a guy who is very familiar with false accusations of sexual deviancy – thanks a lot, Gladys – I would never ever go down that sexy, sexy road without incontrover… incontro… without in a convertible evidence. You know…. Maybe… I don’t know… something… like this!
“I want to talk about my genitalia. I only like white, white little boys.”
I know. I know. I didn’t believe it either. But talking pictures don’t lie people. Especially when you’re talking about rapepublicans! And sure all those constidoucheinalists will tell you that the Beckster didn't really say all of those things. But, I know these rightstremists so well, I know exactly what they’re gonna do. They’ll say it was a highly edited piece of propaganda mostly made up of Glenn quoting criminals in news stories. They’ll even get so desperate, that they’ll show you the specific stories and testimony he was reading from. And it will seem like the truth— it will seeeeeem like the truth. But we know better than to listen to the truth. I garthantee it.
Coming up on the bunk brand… we investigate mass extinction in the United States. How the republicrooks are causing rising temperatures that will affect animal species and various plants. Not to mention the horrifying deadly effects on room 4b of the withering willow hospice and abandonment center. If we don’t act now by cutting emissions or by returning any one of 3,822 text messages very soon— the results could be disastrous. For you. Got that Gladys? Until next time, remember…. You’ve been bunked!
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